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Tips Mendekati Gebetan ala Partai Perindo

Ilustrasi: Luki Ahmadi Hari Wardoyo

AWALNYA saya agak segan menulis narasi ini. Ketakutan saya ketika nanti ada yang mempertanyakan apakah saya sendiri berhasil menerapkan hal ini dalam kehidupan pribadi atau tidak. Tapi kembali lagi pada kalimat-kalimat penghibur seperti: hargai prosesnya, soal hasil itu hanya Tuhan yang tentukan (baca: Nasib). Sama seperti jomblo itu nasib. Ehe.

Tapi tenang saja. Kita masih sama-sama percaya bahwa lebih baik berusaha daripada tidak sama sekali. Sesuai dengan judulnya, saya akan bercerita sedikit mengenai kaitan antara tindak tanduk partai Perindo dengan metode pendekatan gebetan.

Suatu saat, saya niat iseng menghitung berapa kali dalam sejam iklan Perindo muncul di salah satu stasiun TV yang memang milik pentolan Perindo. Ternyata dalam 1 jam, tidak kurang dari 3-4 kali iklan tersebut ditayangkan. Kebayang gak sih kalau kita hitung jumlahnya dalam 24 jam? Berarti ada 72 kemunculan tiap satu tanggal Masehi.

Seperti pepatah Jawa mengatakan witing tresno jalaran soko kulino, yang artinya cinta tumbuh karena terbiasa. Begitulah Partai Perindo menstimulan dan menumbuhkan benih-benih cinta di dalam otak kita. Kita akan mengambil sampel Ayah saya saja sekaligus mengaitkan langsung pada bahasan utamanya ”metode mendekati gebetan”.

Awalnya, Ayah saya seperti orang tua tipe 70-an pada umumnya. Orang tua yang sedikit-sedikit gregetan (alergi) melihat apapun yang mecirikan “ke-cina-an” pada seseorang. Sepertinya imbas dari keegoisan narator peristiwa 98. Mata sipit, kulit putih dan seterusnya seringkali menjadi indikator utama mereka.

Saya punya teman yang wajahnya putih sekali. Jangan-jangan dia Cina. Namun, saat teman saya menutup mulut dengan tangannya, kontras sekali perbedaan warna kulit wajah dan kulit tangannya. Ah, merusak imajinasi saya kalau dia ternyata Cina.

Waktu itu, saya dan Ayah sedang bersantai sembari menonton TV. Tiba-tiba Ayah bergumam,”Partai apa ini? Muncul terus di TV. Partai besar sekelas Demokrat atau PDIP saja tidak begini-begini amat iklannya.” Kondisi ini terus berlarut-larut hingga Ayah saya sampai pada tahap mengucap, “Tawwa“, sebuah ungkapan yang digunakan orang Sulawesi untuk mengungkapkan kekaguman atau sekedar memuji.

Analisis awal, Ayah saya mulai memperhatikan iklan Perindo. Ternyata sebuah kebenaran bahwa, apa yang selalu didengar, dilihat, diucapkan, maka itulah yang masuk ke dalam hati. Jangan-jangan, ayah saya mulai jatuh cinta pada Perindo. Jangan sampai Ayah saya niat ikutan jadi tim hore Partai Perindo pada Pilpres 2019.

Walaupun Pak Harry Tanoe itu asli Tionghoa dan Ayah tidak pernah bertemu langsung dengan orang nomor satu di Perindo tersebut, notabenenya beliau agak anarkis menilai orang-orang Cina.

Memangnya masih jaman yah di era Mobile Legend masih bahas kamu Cina apa bukan? Setau saya tidak. Sekarang, bukannya zaman wani wiro gak sih?

Nah, terlepas dari hal tersebut, kita melangkah pada bahasan bagaimana metode awal yang tepat saat kalian punya gebetan. Berlakulah seperti Partai Perindo. Berkenalan dengan cara yang elegan. Sesering mungkin memunculkan dan mencitrakan diri tanpa harus touch up. Ingat yah, mencitrakan diri agar terlihat menarik. Beda konteks dengan pencitraan Mimi Peri tentunya.

Analisis selanjutnya, ayah saya akhirnya berdecak kagum pada Perindo. Kenapa? Ya, karena partai Perindo menyuguhkan stasiun TV-nya dengan tontonan masyarakat kelas bawah dan menengah. Yang tentunya mendominasi hampir seluruh tanah air Indonesia. Sebut saja acara Bedah Home, Minta Help, Nikah Free dan sebagainya.

Setau saya, dahulu program ini berada di stasiun TV lain. Namun, saat ini telah bertumpuk di stasiun TV milik jagoan Perindo ini. Ditayangkan pula di waktu-waktu terlanjur santai. Tentu saja menarik simpati masyarakat yang menjadi penonton setia acara-acara bertema kedermawanan sambil berdoa semoga mereka menjadi salah satu yang diketok rumahnya sama Mr. Money atau Mbak Zee.

Nah, seperti itu pula ketika kalian sedang mendekati gebetan. Kalian sangat wajib mengetahui apa yang gebetan kalian sukai. Mulai dari warna, makanan, tempat favorit, bahkan kalau perlu merk lipstik apa yang doi suka (harapan dari perspektif perempuan, hehe).

Bahkan ketika kalian tidak suka pada hal yang justru menjadi kesukaan gebetan, kalian mau tak mau harus pura-pura suka. Namanya juga usaha, pasti butuh pengorbanan. Semakin dewasa seseorang, ya semakin sederhana kebutuhan hidupnya. Tenang saja, gak bakalan ribet kok. Sebut saja dalam memilih pasangan.

Setelah puber pertama, kita pasti memiliki sederet kualifikasi untuk menetapkan seseorang pantas tidaknya untuk menjadi pasangan. Mulai dari segi ketampanan atau kecantikan, body, kuku yang bersih, rambut yang rapi dan lain-lain.

Namun, mendekati usia kematangan berfikir, yakin dan percayalah kita hanya membutuhkan “kenyamanan”. Bagaimana cara memperoleh kenyamanan? Ya dengan memiliki orang baik di sekitar kita. Bagaimana menjadi orang baik? Ya memberikan kenyamanan dengan menyuguhkan kebutuhan yang disukai oleh orang lain.

Apakah Ayah saya nantinya berpikir bahwa Perindo adalah yang terbaik untuk keluarga kami? Entahlah, biarkan saja waktu yang akan menjawabnya. Akhir kata, panjang umur perjuangan. Selamat membaca dan senyum-senyum manis.

Padriana

Saya percaya suatu saat Indonesia akan dipimpin oleh seorang Kapitalis yang adil.

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